The Onion A.V. Club posts this bit of inexplicable movie news: Ehren Kruger, screenwriter of “Arlington Road”, “Reindeer Games” and the impending “Transformers” sequel, is working on a remake of David Cronenberg’s “Videodrome”.

According to the announcement in Variety:

“The new picture will modernize the concept, infuse it with the possibilities of nano-technology and blow it up into a large-scale sci-fi action thriller.”

Doesn’t Cronenberg have the right to refuse this sort of thing? Could he at least try to short-circuit the project by demanding they cast Ashton Kutcher as Max Renn?

Damn, but I want to smack someone right now.

Who would have thought a “Fatal Attraction” knockoff would conquer the box-office this weekend? Certainly not Sony, which didn’t even screen “Obsessed” for critics or do much in the way of promoting it … but there it is at the top of the heap with a $28.5 million gross.

How little does Sony think of the film? They let somebody explain its success thusly:

“There’s something about wanting to see Beyonce kick butt. She’s taking on one wacked chick, played very well by Ali Larter,” said Rory Bruer, head of distribution for Sony. “Let’s face it, everyone loves Beyonce, and to see her in this role is a treat.”

Of course, by that logic, “Cadillac Records” would have been huge if they’d included a sequence where Etta James throws a piano at Leonard Chess’ wife. I smell remake!

And speaking of Beyonce, her “Dreamgirls” co-star Eddie Murphy has made the top of a chart, too — he’s the number-one example in The Onion A.V. Club’s new inventory, “23 People Who Immediately Followed Academy Award Wins or Nominations with Terrible Films“.

I do so love those guys.

I have to say, the marathon of spring festivals feels a lot like TIFF — there are fewer interviews, and I’m not seeing as many films theatrically, but that sense of a massive wall of obligations about to come crashing down on me at any moment? I’m so there.

So before I plunge back into the world of Hot Docs, here’s a rundown of this week’s theatrical releases …

“Earth”: Okay, it opened on Wednesday, but new is new. And more high-def nature footage from the “Planet Earth” people is always welcome … though it seems Disney felt it necessary to tone down that whole “red in tooth and claw” thing. Jason and Deirdre explain.

“Fighting”: Channing Tatum toughs up as a street-smart guy who, well, fights. A lot. Directed by Dito Monteil, who got great work from Tatum in “A Guide to Recognizing Your Saints” a few years back … but Andrew finds this project doesn’t offer him the same opportunities.

“Obsessed”: A whole bunch of TV faces — Idris Elba, Ali Larter, Jerry O’Connell — play out El Attraction Fatalico for the texting generation, or something. Apparently Beyonce plays the angry wife, but I swear I thought that was someone else in the trailer.

“Only“: Appropriately enough, Ingrid Veninger and Simon Reynolds’ delicate tale of one afternoon in the life of two isolated kids is playing just four days at the Royal Cinema, on an indie double-bill with “Production Office” (which Rad reviews here); if you have the chance, you should really catch it. It’s a fine, fine film.

“The Soloist“: Jamie Foxx gurns it up big-time as a schizophrenic virtuoso in Joe Wright’s big, button-pushing, fence-swinger at a movie — a film for people who thought “Shine” and “A Beautiful Mind” didn’t go big enough in elaborating upon the connection between genius and madness. Robert Downey, Jr. keeps his dignity, but doesn’t he always?

“Three Monkeys“: Opinions on Nuri Bilge Ceylan’s grim Turkish drama were split at Cannes, but I thought it was quite good — sure, it’s darker than his previous films, but that just means he’s making an effort not to make the same movie over and over again. And I think the darkness works for this particular film.

Right, that’s the blog done — now, back to the Wall of Reality!

The next few days are going to be a whirlwind of watching and writing, writing and watching. By my rough count, I’m down to review 34 movies at Hot Docs — that’s almost as many as I saw at Cannes last year. So you’ll forgive me if my posts seem somewhat hasty this weekend.

Anyway, here’s a quick festival preview, just to get you started. Don’t worry, the naked lady in tht one photo isn’t drowning … in fact, she’s kind of enjoying herself. And if you need a kitty chaser after that, just scroll all the way down to the bottom of the page.

You’re welcome.

Over at the Film Freak Central blog, Bill Chambers has posted a sneak peek of the ingenious cover art for the next FFC annual.

Due out in July, it’s to be a double-sized edition that will combine the site’s reviews from 2007 and 2008, with additional never-before-published stuff. I await it eagerly, and will let y’all know as soon as it becomes available for pre-order. Unless it already is, in which case I expect someone will provide that information in the comments.

Oh, and speaking of friends publishing, dig this: Gwen Hyman, co-author of the most nourishing “Urban Italian“, gets her first solo spine next month with “Making a Man“. Perhaps you might consider pre-ordering that as well.