Remember when NBC tried to market a summer of re-runs to its audience with this magical slogan?

If you haven’t seen it, it’s new to you!

Well, it turns out that philosophy can apply to just about anything. Like, say, werewolves. And if you were a twelve-year-old girl and your only exposure to the myth of the shape-shifter was a certain series of squee-tastic novels, then you might take it upon yourself to defend your precious concept from those vile Hollywood parasites who might dare to infringe upon it.

Which brings us to this marvelous Defamer piece, reprinting an angry open letter to Universal that somehow ended up posted at Latino Review. Seems someone knows a ripoff when she smells it:

This movie was a complete waste and I feel that it offends ALL Twilight Fans around the world, that including myself. For one, it was a COMPLETE remakingof the Wolf Pack from the Twilight Saga: New Moon. It gives the werewolves a bad name and makes them look like some deformed mutation of a rabid dog.

Seriously, read the whole thing. The staff of the Onion must be kicking themselves today.

My latest MSN Movies gallery does the only thing it can do this week, using the release of “Shutter Island” to explore some other famous cinematic snake pits. And yes, “The Snake Pit” is first on the list.

Step on in. And don’t worry about the door slamming shut behind you … they do that sort of thing all the time to mess with new visitors.

Don’t they?

It’s an interesting week at the megaplex — a Cannes hit, a TIFF triumph, a delayed Scorsese picture and a Belgian toy story, among others. Shall we plunge in?

“Defendor“: I’ve written at length about the appeal and the gravity of Peter Stebbings’ directorial debut, so what are you waiting for? Go see! Go see!

“Fish Tank“: Andrea Arnold’s exquisitely observed kitchen-sink drama charts the coming of age of a fifteen-year-old Essex teen who forms a dangerous bond with her mother’s new boyfriend. Katie Jarvis is amazing; Michael Fassbender is pretty damn great himself.

“The Most Dangerous Man in America: Daniel Ellsberg and the Pentagon Papers”: The most notorious whistleblower in American history — and possibly the most important — gets his due in this Oscar-nominated documentary, opening for a limited run at the Bloor. Susan found it competent but cold.

“Reel Injun”: Neil Diamond (no, the other one) examines the American cinema’s treatment of First Nations characters, and their ensuing stereotypes, in an engaging and insightful documentary. Andrew agrees with my assessment.

“Shutter Island“: Martin Scorsese tries to make a 1950s pulp thriller, and the result is a weird mixture of exquisite mood and banal storytelling. You can admire its accomplishments without ever caring about the characters or enjoying the story … but I don’t think that’s the point. Not sure why my review isn’t up yet, but I’ll post the link as soon as it is. UPDATE: There it is!

“A Town Called Panic“: Stephane Aubier and Vincent Patar’s antic animated comedy — produced in stop-motion, with scaled-up replicas of children’s toys — is a truly unique experience. It’s also sort of exhausting, which works against it even at 75 minutes. But if you ever wanted to see Jeanne Balibar play a horse, this is the only game in town.

“Until the Light Takes Us“: I know very little about the intense world of Norwegian Black Metal — basically, just what I saw in Sam Dunn’s “Global Metal” — and after watching Aaron Aites and Audrey Ewell’s tale of rivalry, delusion and murder among musicians, I feel like I know even less. Also, Norwegians are crazy. UPDATE: Review’s up now, for what it’s worth.

Every now and then, a movie comes along that just speaks to you. Sometimes it’s a serious drama that addresses a personal issue you didn’t even know you had, and sometimes it’s a genre piece that treats its subject in a way you’d been hoping someone would.

Last year at TIFF, that movie was “Defendor”, Peter Stebbings’ oddball meditation on superhero mythology and the cultural impact of heroism. If Alliance had got behind it and released it on the heels of its festival success — or even popped it out in December after it made Canada’s Top Ten — it might have had a shot to distinguish itself from “Kick-Ass“, another subversion of costumed-hero iconography that’s been stoking the fanboys since Comic-Con and is set to open in April.

But the moment passed, and now it’s being dumped onto a single screen at the AMC Yonge & Dundas, where it’ll be likely ignored. Don’t you make that mistake.

Anyway, my interviews with Stebbings and star Woody Harrelson are online at the NOW site. Check them out, and go see their movie if you can. It may not kick ass, exactly, but it’s awfully good.

Garry Marshall’s “Valentine’s Day” dominated the box-office this weekend with a three-day gross of $52.4 million — and of course it did. You release a movie called “Valentine’s Day” on Valentine’s Day weekend, you’re going to come out on top, even if the movie is horrible.

(Rad’s exasperated take on it is representative of the general critical reaction.)

Bottom line? People like romantic comedies, especially in the middle of February, and Garry Marshall will keep making simplistic, pandering movies until they take his viewfinder from his cold, dead hands.

And then there’s the other tragic story that broke this weekend: Kevin Smith was ejected from a Southwest Airlines flight over the weekend for being, as he puts it, “too fat to fly”. He has responded to this insult with characteristic grace and wit, marshalling his 1.6 million Twitter followers to … I dunno, overload Southwest’s e-mail server or something.

Anyway, the story’s hit the AP wire now, so maybe this will turn into a teachable moment. We can always hope.

My latest MSN Movies gallery considers the various studio attempts to launch another young-adult literary franchise in the wake of the “Harry Potter” series — the better to, uh, expose young minds to literature, and also maybe get in on some of that phenomenal box-office.

Results have been mixed. Sure, “The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe” was surprisingly satisfying, but does anyone remember “The Seeker: The Dark is Rising”?

I do. And that’s why I write galleries like this one. To remind people, and warn them …

This weekend brings a whopping three major-studio releases to the megaplexes — the most since Christmas, I believe. And what a wide selection for Valentine’s Day!

“Percy Jackson & The Olympians: The Lightning Thief“: Chris Columbus brings Rob Riordan’s young-adult adventure to the big screen in a naked attempt to launch another “Harry Potter” franchise … and it’s actually sort of okay. Uma Thurman is Medusa, Steve Coogan is Hades, Catherine Keener is the hero’s mom and Pierce Brosnan plays a helpful centaur. The man is up for anything, isn’t he?

“Valentine’s Day”: Garry Marshall casts his net, drags in everyone who’s hot right now — Bradley Cooper! The “Gray’s Anatomy” fellas! Two whole Taylors! — and throws ’em all in a multicharacter salute to the wonderfulness of love. As I’m contractually excused from watching Marshall’s movies after “Georgia Rule”, I will catch up to this some other time.

“The Wolfman“: Universal remakes a beloved monster classic with too much money and too little sense. And really, why shorten the title from “Wolf Man” to “Wolfman”? A Wolf Man is a scary, hairy monster; a Wolfman is your periodontist. Actually, I’d pay to watch Benicio Del Toro, Anthony Hopkins and Emily Blunt in “Sheldon Wolfman, D.D.S.” Someone get on that!