Obviously, nothing I can produce is going to be able to compete with the news that the U.S. government has finally declassified Area 51. (No aliens, though; the really cool secrets are probably tucked safely away in Area 52.)

But we can still have a little fun, as in today’s Sympatico/MSN gallery, which uses Seth Rogen’s bad behavior in “Observe and Report” to wonder what the world would be like if movie characters were held criminally accountable for their wacky on-screen antics.

Neil Patrick Harris is looking at a whole lot of community service, is all I’m saying …

So much for today being a quiet day — there are almost a dozen films opening, including no less than four highlights of last year’s Cannes lineup. Jump right in, won’t you?

“Dragonball: Evolution”: Wait, Chow Yun-Fat is in this? Why on earth didn’t anybody tell me? Not that it would have mattered for an opening-day review, since the studio declined to screen it, but still …

“Duska“: Joss Stelling’s strained comedy of manners is so self-consciously droll that I just couldn’t bear it. And you’d think I’d be the perfect audience for a movie that a good 20 minutes taking cheap shots at the empty pageantry of second-tier European film festivals …

“Hannah Montana: The Movie”: OMG is this really the last time Miley Cyrus will play the dual-identity teen popster? Deirdre thinks it ought to be.

“Hunger“: No qualifications here: Steve McQueen’s debut — an impressionistic consideration of the hunger strike at the Maze prison in 1981 — is a fucking masterpiece. So, you know, you should probably see it.

“It’s Hard Being Loved By Jerks“: Daniel Leconte’s documentary about the defamation charges brought against the French magazine Charlie Hebdo for publishing those contentious Danish cartoons arrives fresh from closing Cinefranco, but if you missed it there …

“Jerichow”: Fresh from Cinematheque’s recent German series, Christian Petzold’s spin on “The Postman Always Rings Twice” pops up in commercial release. Rad and Adam offer their bravos.

“The Mysteries of Pittsburgh”: Rawson Marshall Thurber, whose “Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story” is on its way to becoming an absurdist classic, returns with this more serious-minded adaptation of Michael Chabon’s novel. But as Rad and Kieran discover, it’s not as much fun without Pirate Steve.

“Observe and Report“: Travis Bickle gets reincarnated as a mall cop in Jody Hill’s surprisingly effective “Taxi Driver” update — which is much darker and much meaner than Seth Rogen would have you believe. Turns out that’s a good thing.

“Shall We Kiss?”: The luminous Virginie Ledoyen gets a rare opportunity to play comedy in Emmanuelle Mouret’s dry French farce about friends who discover they have les hots for one another. Susan and Kieran are amused, if not enthusiastic.

“Tulpan“: Sergei Dvortsevoy takes his cameras to the Kazakh steppes for this lovely tale of a big-eared dreamer, his sister’s family and a whole lot of sheep. There are also two camels.

“Two Lovers“: I’ve been telling people about James Gray’s excruciatingly intimate (and, apparently, unconscious) reworking of “The Heartbreak Kid” for nearly a year, so it’s great to see the film make it to local screens. Well, “screen”, actually, since it’s only at the AMC Yonge and Dundas. But it’s totally worth the trip.

Right, that’s plenty. And now, if you’ll excuse me, it’s time to go to the bakery and stare covetously at hot-cross buns …

I totally dominate the movie section of this week’s NOW: Check out my interviews with “Hunger” director Steve McQueen, “Two Lovers” director James Gray and, um, “Observe and Report” star Seth Rogen.

Yep, Seth Rogen. They’ll let me talk to anybody these days.

As the old-school letter writers say, I’ve been reading with interest the tale of the leaked “Wolverine” workprint, which hit the interwebs on April Fool’s Day to the understandable shame and rage of 20th Century Fox.

I figured it was a joke; the movie’s theatrical release was a month away, it was April 1st, what else could it be? But then certain film sites started talking about the specific attributes of the downloadable file — unfinished effects shots, ragged audio in certain scenes, that sort of thing — that sounded awfully convincing.

And then, on April 3rd, Roger Friedman — a professional journalist person employed by the corporation that produced the movie — wrote about how he’d illegally downloaded the movie, and how easy it was to do so, and how it was pretty great. Fox has scrubbed the post in question from its website, but you can find it here, sort of.

Let’s back up a moment, shall we? Roger Friedman works for Fox News, and Roger Friedman downloaded a copy of “Wolverine”, and Roger Friedman used his paid position to tell all his readers how easy it was to do so, without any apparent understanding that it is illegal to do that sort of thing, or perhaps that his employers might be a little sensitive about that.

Sooo … Roger Friedman is no longer employed by Fox, obviously. He’s kind of an idiot, and a terrible entertainment columnist, so this is not a tragedy in any sense. But now I have to ask the uncomfortable question: Did Friedman download the movie at work, using Fox’ own servers? And since Fox is aggressively pursuing all illegal downloading and piracy, does that mean they have to impound their own networks as evidence and subpoena their IT people in the civil suit against themselves? That’d be all kinds of awesome, wouldn’t it?

Full disclosure: I have no interest in the “Wolverine” workprint, and am waiting for a theatrical screening of the finished film. Because that’s how you’re supposed to see movies, after all.

So “Passchendaele” was named Best Picture at Saturday’s Genies, though all of the other artistic awards  — direction, acting, editing — went to other movies, primarily Benoit Pilon’s “The Necessities of Life”. It’s a fascinating testimonial to the power of the patriotism/sympathy card.

Not since the year Istvan Szabo’s bloated, empty “Sunshine” took Best Picture — and nothing else — have the Genies seemed so … patronizing. (“But it’s the Canadian ‘English Patient’! We should honor that!”) Anyway, ceremony over, moving on.

Did you see the numbers for “Fast & Furious”? Holy freaking crap. $72.5 million for a fourquel to a series that nobody much likes … does this mean we’re going to get a third “Riddick” movie now?

I’m suddenly very tired.

They ask me to write about the Genies, I write about the Genies. And the first comment is all, “you suck, you self-hating Canadian” and “nobody says this about the Oscars!” Except that the Oscars don’t have the inferiority complex that the Genies do, which was kind of my point.

Hey, it could be worse. I could have mentioned “Toronto Stories“, and dredged up all kinds of collective trauma. Except that it wasn’t, um, nominated for anything …

… we salute you! But you should know your movie has a little competition this weekend …

“Adventureland“: Greg Mottola’s knowing coming-of-age picture takes us back to that particularly horrible moment when you realize that everyone else at your job is as bored and aimless as you feel, that the girl you like doesn’t like you back enough, and that this could be is the rest of your life right here. It’s a comedy.

“Anvil! The Story of Anvil“: They loved it at Hot Docs, and at festivals around the world; now, finally, Sacha Gervasi’s shaggy rockumentary comes home to Toronto for a proper commercial engagement. The band will even be at the AMC Yonge and Dundas tonight for the evening screenings! What, you’ve got something better to do?

“Cloud 9“: Andreas Dresen’s mechanical drama plays out a love triangle with a twist: All the characters are senior citizens, and they have a great deal of on-screen sex. So it’s a novelty love triangle! Susan didn’t go for it, either.

“Fanboys“: A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, this might have been a good movie … before it fell into the hands of the evil Weinstein empire and was purged of all charm. The review starts about two-thirds of the way into the linked piece. We tried something a little different this week.

“Fast & Furious”: Is it wrong that I kinda want to see this? I mean, the first two films were crap, but “Tokyo Drift” had a zippy visual energy that I’d hoped director Justin Lin would be able to replicate in his latest run at the franchise. And then Adam put his foot on that hope, and crushed it.

“The Pool“: There’s a distinctly Kipling-meets-O. Henry vibe to Chris Smith’s modest little drama about a young man (Venkatesh Chavan) entranced by a wealthy family’s swimming pool, but I thought including that detail in my review might put people off. I don’t know when “literary” became a pejorative, but that’s just the way it is.

“Sin Nombre“:The first half of Cary Fukunaga’s Central American chase thriller is a well-crafted ride; the second half’s a train wreck, which a surprising number of film critics and festival audiences were willing to overlook. What can I say? I’m terminally honest. (And so is Adam.)

That’s plenty, surely … unless you felt like catching something at Cinefranco or Images or the Toronto Tibet Film Festival. Me, I’ve already moved on to the next wave. Pray for me, would you?

… although I think today is probably the wrong day for 7-11 to be issuing this press release about its upcoming tie-in promotion to “X-Men Origins: Wolverine”, which not only offers collectible Slurpee cups but introduces a brand-new flavor of frozen sludge drink:

Accompanying the superhero Slurpee cups featuring action-packed graphics of Wolverine, Sabretooth and Gambit is a new, remarkable Slurpee flavor – Mutant Berry. Billed as Hawaiian Punch Berry Limeade Blast, the Dr Pepper-created flavor was one of the top vote-getters in independent taste tests held last summer. Other winning flavors in a mass consumer taste-off last year will be featured throughout the summer Slurpee season.

Did anyone else’s eyes just cross? I think it says that Mutant Berry is the secret identity of Dr. Pepper’s Hawaiian Punch Berry Limeade Blast. Or it might just be having a seizure. And wait, there’s more:

Movie promotions at 7-Eleven stores typically have been tied to 7-Eleven’s cold proprietary beverages, but this year, for the first time, X-Men Origins: Wolverine makes the leap to hot beverages. X-Treme Energy Cappuccino and a refillable stainless steel coffee mug sporting Wolverine’s trademark triple claw slash mark will be offered in 7-Eleven stores. Infused with taurine, a 12-ounce serving of X-Treme Energy Cappuccino, contains the same amount of caffeine as an 8-ounce can of Red Bull (or 8-ounce energy drink).

Several people wrote that, and several other people approved it. Presumably after drinking a vat of X-Treme Energy Cappuccino. God help us all.

That said, if anyone doesn’t want their Wolverine travel mug …