They ask me to write about the Genies, I write about the Genies. And the first comment is all, “you suck, you self-hating Canadian” and “nobody says this about the Oscars!” Except that the Oscars don’t have the inferiority complex that the Genies do, which was kind of my point.

Hey, it could be worse. I could have mentioned “Toronto Stories“, and dredged up all kinds of collective trauma. Except that it wasn’t, um, nominated for anything …

… we salute you! But you should know your movie has a little competition this weekend …

“Adventureland“: Greg Mottola’s knowing coming-of-age picture takes us back to that particularly horrible moment when you realize that everyone else at your job is as bored and aimless as you feel, that the girl you like doesn’t like you back enough, and that this could be is the rest of your life right here. It’s a comedy.

“Anvil! The Story of Anvil“: They loved it at Hot Docs, and at festivals around the world; now, finally, Sacha Gervasi’s shaggy rockumentary comes home to Toronto for a proper commercial engagement. The band will even be at the AMC Yonge and Dundas tonight for the evening screenings! What, you’ve got something better to do?

“Cloud 9“: Andreas Dresen’s mechanical drama plays out a love triangle with a twist: All the characters are senior citizens, and they have a great deal of on-screen sex. So it’s a novelty love triangle! Susan didn’t go for it, either.

“Fanboys“: A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, this might have been a good movie … before it fell into the hands of the evil Weinstein empire and was purged of all charm. The review starts about two-thirds of the way into the linked piece. We tried something a little different this week.

“Fast & Furious”: Is it wrong that I kinda want to see this? I mean, the first two films were crap, but “Tokyo Drift” had a zippy visual energy that I’d hoped director Justin Lin would be able to replicate in his latest run at the franchise. And then Adam put his foot on that hope, and crushed it.

“The Pool“: There’s a distinctly Kipling-meets-O. Henry vibe to Chris Smith’s modest little drama about a young man (Venkatesh Chavan) entranced by a wealthy family’s swimming pool, but I thought including that detail in my review might put people off. I don’t know when “literary” became a pejorative, but that’s just the way it is.

“Sin Nombre“:The first half of Cary Fukunaga’s Central American chase thriller is a well-crafted ride; the second half’s a train wreck, which a surprising number of film critics and festival audiences were willing to overlook. What can I say? I’m terminally honest. (And so is Adam.)

That’s plenty, surely … unless you felt like catching something at Cinefranco or Images or the Toronto Tibet Film Festival. Me, I’ve already moved on to the next wave. Pray for me, would you?

… although I think today is probably the wrong day for 7-11 to be issuing this press release about its upcoming tie-in promotion to “X-Men Origins: Wolverine”, which not only offers collectible Slurpee cups but introduces a brand-new flavor of frozen sludge drink:

Accompanying the superhero Slurpee cups featuring action-packed graphics of Wolverine, Sabretooth and Gambit is a new, remarkable Slurpee flavor – Mutant Berry. Billed as Hawaiian Punch Berry Limeade Blast, the Dr Pepper-created flavor was one of the top vote-getters in independent taste tests held last summer. Other winning flavors in a mass consumer taste-off last year will be featured throughout the summer Slurpee season.

Did anyone else’s eyes just cross? I think it says that Mutant Berry is the secret identity of Dr. Pepper’s Hawaiian Punch Berry Limeade Blast. Or it might just be having a seizure. And wait, there’s more:

Movie promotions at 7-Eleven stores typically have been tied to 7-Eleven’s cold proprietary beverages, but this year, for the first time, X-Men Origins: Wolverine makes the leap to hot beverages. X-Treme Energy Cappuccino and a refillable stainless steel coffee mug sporting Wolverine’s trademark triple claw slash mark will be offered in 7-Eleven stores. Infused with taurine, a 12-ounce serving of X-Treme Energy Cappuccino, contains the same amount of caffeine as an 8-ounce can of Red Bull (or 8-ounce energy drink).

Several people wrote that, and several other people approved it. Presumably after drinking a vat of X-Treme Energy Cappuccino. God help us all.

That said, if anyone doesn’t want their Wolverine travel mug …

“Monsters vs. Aliens” conquered the box office this wekeend with a gross of $58.2 million — no surprise there, as it had no real competition and it was a giant DreamWorks entertainment machine with Happy Meals and Super Bowl ads and everything.

Expect a flood of industry articles about how Jeffrey Katzenberg’s obsession with 3D will change the face of Hollywood; do not, however, expect it to actually happen. If 3D was the essential element to box-office success, surely “Coraline” would have been the mammoth hit it deserved to be.

And as I’m putting the blog post together, I learn that Maurice Jarre has died, aged 84. Please take a moment to play the “Lawrence of Arabia” soundtrack at full volume in his honor.

“Monsters vs. Aliens” may not have much going on in the story department, but I have to give it serious props for the production design and the fondness the filmmakers clearly have for cheesy 1950s sci-fi movies.

I never pass up a chance to write about monster movies, so this week’s Sympatico/MSN movie gallery –  which name-checks the Golden Age inspirations of Ginormica and her friends — was a no-brainer.

Much like this guy, actually.

The days just fly by, don’t they? One minute I’m making my way through a huge pile of Cinefranco screeners; the next, I’m staring down the complete schedule of the Tibet film festival. Gosh, it’s good to be well-rounded.

But it’s Friday now! Movies are opening! Let’s get to the breakdown!

“Before Tomorrow”: The producers of “Atanarjuat” and “The Journals of Knud Rasmussen” bring you another slice of Inuit life — this one a far more amateurish and obvious construction that seems far more concerned about playing to mainstream tastes than its predecessors. Susan and Jason do not share my assessment, however.

“Hank and Mike”: A pair of cranky and obnoxious Easter bunnies get laid off and look for new work while still wearing their bunny suits. Doesn’t sound like much, but people still love “Bad Santa”, so what do I know? Andrew kinda liked it; Kieran, not as enthused.

“Hansel & Gretel”: A Korean revision of the grim fairy tale; in this telling, it’s an adult who gets taken in by creepy kids. Andrew offers a cautious endorsement.

“The Haunting in Connecticut”: Lamest title in a while. Lamest poster, too. (Attention marketing departments: Ectoplasmic vomit should probably be kept out of your campaign. Let it be a surprise.) Jason and Andrew call bullshit on the whole affair.

“Monsters vs. Aliens“: Some engaging characters and truly magnificent production design very nearly carry DreamWorks’ 3D CG spectacle over the yawning potholes of its confused second half. My review should be online any minute now. UPDATE: There it is!

“Sunshine Cleaning“: In which mismatched sisters Amy Adams and Emily Blunt learn to understand one another when they start cleaning up crime scenes. Sundance-certified edge has never seemed so … dull. And someone really has to tell Alan Arkin to stop playing all those wacky grandpas. He’ll burn himself out, and then what’s left? Musicals?

“Twelve Rounds”: Fox didn’t screen Renny Harlin’s latest movie for us, so all I know at this time is that it stars wrestler-actor John Cena and is, according to the TV spots, very frenetic with the running and the yelling and the blowing up of things. So, a Renny Harlin movie, then.

Lots of stuff to do and watch this weekend, so posting may be sporadic. But I’m around, I swear.

The first week of spring brings rain clouds, a desperate sense of hope and the first of many, many film festivals.

I take a look at Cinefranco in this week’s NOW, and find a mixed bag of genres and themes, with all the attendant highs and lows. The twisted sexual dynamics that defined last year’s festival are mostly absent, which is kind of a shame; those were a lot of fun.

Ah, French people. They’re just, you know, freaks.