I was expecting a massive opening weekend for “Remember Me”, based on nothing more than the passion of the Twi-hards for their beloved Robert Pattinson — there’s a wall of posters for the thing down the block, and every time I pass them, they’ve attracted a new cluster of teenage girls in full squee.

But that didn’t happen. As the AP reports, “Remember Me” came in fourth for the weekend with a box-office take of just $8.3 million — well below the $14.5 million gross of “Green Zone” and the $9.6 million pulled in by “She’s Out of My League”.

And holding steady at number one? Tim Burton’s “Alice in Wonderland” with $62 million smackers, bringing its ten-day total to a stunning $208.6 million.

I guess 3D is here to stay, huh? It’s certainly not the film that’s drawing these crowds …

My latest MSN Movies gallery uses “Remember Me” as a jumping-off point to flip through other actors’ attempts to slip the shackles of a popular character.

Because whatever else he is in this movie, Robert Pattinson is decidedly not playing a sparkly abstinence vampire.

Yeah, I know. But it was either that or movies that use real-life events in a pitiful attempt to invest otherwise mundane screenplays with depth and tragedy … and that turned out to be a pretty short list.

Kathryn Bigelow’s “The Hurt Locker” returns to theatres today in the wake of its Oscar win, and I’m guessing it’ll make more this weekend than it did in its entire North American run. Or it’ll be ignored all over again because people just bought the DVD. Let’s see how that goes.

Meanwhile, there are plenty of other distractions hitting the megaplex — let’s go through them, shall we?

“Cactus“: Two men in a car provide a feature’s worth of tension and suspense in Jasmine Yuen Carrucan’s efficient, economical thriller, which plays like a throwback to the Ozploitation movies of the 1970s. Worth a look, I reckon.

“Green Zone”: Paul Greengrass brings Matt Damon to occupied Iraq for a thriller extrapolated from Rajiv Chandrasekaran’s book “Imperial Life in the Emerald City”. I couldn’t make the screening, but Andrew liked it fine.

“Our Family Wedding”: Carlos Mencia and Forest Whitaker as rival dads forced together by their kids’ wedding? Why, that’s a recipe for wackiness if ever I heard one! Andrew‘s review includes what may be my favorite sentence of the month: “The goat on Viagra is woefully underused.”

“Prodigal Sons“: Kimberly Reed brings a camera into her family home to explore the fissures within in this powerful personal documentary, which ranks with “Capturing the Friedmans” and “Must Read After My Death” for dysfunctional intensity. (That’s a good thing.)

“The Red Baron“: A starchy attempt to turn the story of the WWI flying ace into a rousing Hollywood-style biopic, or at least the sort of movie German filmmakers think Hollywood is making. On the upside, it’s shorter and considerably less silly than “Pearl Harbor”. On the downside? Joseph Fiennes is in it.

“Remember Me“: Ironically, I would give anything to forget this risible tween-targeted tearjerker. On the other hand, never forget, never forgive, right?

“She’s Out of My League“: Alice Eve is hot; Jay Baruchel is not. And while there’s not much more to the plot of this lightweight romantic comedy, somehow it comes together in a very appealing and intelligent way. And any movie that features a mastiff named Captain Pickles deserves the benefit of the doubt.

That’s everything, isn’t it? Oh, except for Maren Ade’s “Everyone Else”, which is playing just three shows this weekend at TIFF Cinematheque, and is really terrific. Go see that, too.

The latest issue of NOW features my interview with Emilie de Ravin, who stars opposite Robert Pattinson in the new movie “Remember Me”.

Of course, she’s also Claire on “Lost”, so basically I spent all my time trying to stay focused on actual worthwhile questions, and not go fanboy and ask about backstory and structure and long-form season plans. Not exactly germane to the topic at hand, you know?

Continuing in the Australian vein, I also spoke with Bryan Brown, producer and co-star of the Outback thriller “Cactus” and closet Winter Olympics enthusiast. That, um, hasn’t gone up yet, but I’ll provide the link as soon as it does … (UPDATE: Posted!)

Sorry for the lateness of this morning’s post; a server migration kneecapped my access to the site. But everything seems to be up and running now.

Here’s something to ponder, though: Which seismic cultural event is likely to get more traction this week? Is it …

… Variety’s decision to lay off veteran film critic Todd McCarthy and most of its other full-time critics and switch to cheaper/younger/less opinionated freelancers?

… Corey Haim’s sudden death at age 38?

… Armond White getting critic-blocked by Noah Baumbach’s people when he wants to see “Greenberg”?

… or the protests over Farrah Fawcett’s absence from the Oscar death reel?

Sadly, my money’s on l’affaire Farrah. Which carries even less importance than the Armond White thing, which is about as insignificant as you can get.

Okay, so this morning’s CTV News Channel hit fell through — these things happen, though they don’t usually happen when one is already standing outside the studio — but I’m a pro, so I’m rebounding with an appearance on CBC Radio’s “Ontario Today”.

I’ll be on the air (and taking calls!) from noon to noon-thirty, EST. Check it out, if you’re able; if you’re not in broadcast range, you should be able to stream it via the “Listen Live” option here.

UPDATE: One more booking! Turn your TVs back on! I’ll be appearing on CBC News at Six this evening, talking about — yes — Oscars. Amazing what’s possible when you’re already in the building, huh?

So “The Hurt Locker” took Best Picture, huh? Wow. Seriously, wow. I was sure “Avatar” would steamroll everything else for the top prize, simply because it was too big to fail. Well, I suppose James Cameron can content himself with that giant pile of money.

If you’re near a TV, I’ll be back on CTV News Channel around 9:15am EST to pick through the wreckage. Rogers cable 62 — tune in, if you dare! And then sidle over to the NOW home page this afternoon for Susan’s and my post-mortem podcast. I’ll have it linked as soon as I can. UPDATE: Linked!

Also: Boy, “Alice in Wonderland” sure made a hell of a lot of money this weekend. $116.3 million, according to the AP. Which is bigger than the “Avatar” opening weekend, therefore confirming (in the minds of studio heads, anyway) that the 3D epic is here to stay. Suddenly, next month’s “Clash of the Titans” has to be a world-beater just to stay relevant.

It’s just a matter of time before someone remakes “Bwana Devil”, isn’t it? The Earth is doomed.

I’m live-tweeting the Oscars tonight — and you can join the fun by following @nowtoronto once the ceremony starts. Or a little bit before, because I’m sure I’ll have something snarky to say about the pre-game show. All that schmoozery just makes me so testy.

And if you missed my epic appearance on CBC Radio’s “Go!” yesterday, it’ll available for streaming on the show’s front page all this week, and archived for a year in the audio gallery.

I thought our stuff went well. And Zeus was awesome, so it’s worth hearing just for them.

… if you’re in Canada, and you’re near a radio, tune into CBC Radio One this morning at 10:30am to catch my appearance on “Go!“, discussing the Worst Movies Ever with Adam Nayman and Jennie Punter. Musical interludes will be provided by the rockers men call Zeus.

Don’t worry about time zones; thanks to some special Corp magic that I can’t even begin to understand, the show airs at 10:30am wherever you are in the country. And if you’re not near a radio, you can stream it live here.

(If you’re reading this later in the morning, just wait until 10:30am PST and select one of the British Columbia feeds. Simple, eh?)

We’re not likely to spend too much time talking about the Oscars — this is more of a Razzies kind of show — but if you absolutely must have some Academy insight, I offered my quick picks yesterday in my NOW Daily column.

Okay, I’m heading down to the studio. I can count on your support, right?