We Need to Talk About Jar-Jar

Oh, Friday, you magnificent bastard, throwing such strange and contradictory challenges at us! Seriously, who’d have thought a “Star Wars” movie would be inferior to a family adventure where The Rock rides a giant bee?

Allow me to explain:

Journey 2: The Mysterious Island“: ¬†The Rock rides a giant bee! Luis Guzman channels Tracy Jordan from “30 Rock”! Vanessa Hudgens makes young men feel all funny in their bathing-suit areas! And somehow, it’s all pretty decent.

“Safe House”: Sadly, the full title of this Denzel Washington-Ryan Reynolds thriller is not “Safe House: The House That Safes People”. Because that would be a movie I’d want to see. Apparently this one’s about spies and shooting and stuff.

“The Snows of Kiliminjaro”: I am not particularly crazy about Robert Guediguian’s films — I find them all sort of cluttered and overlong — but Susan¬†enjoyed his latest, which follows the moral dilemmas facing a Marseilles union rep (Jean-Pierre Darroussin) whose act of compassion starts him on a long and complicated road. (Not to Kilimajaro, though; that’s just a metaphor.)

“Star Wars: The Phantom Menace 3D”: George Lucas wants you to see his movies again, and pay even more money this time. Seriously, why is this a thing?

“We Need to Talk About Kevin”: There are some very intriguing things going on in Lynne Ramsay’s adaptation of Lionel Shriver’s novel — particularly in Tilda Swinton’s interpretation of a mother locked in a lifelong battle of wills with her child — but in the end, it’s just an overheated horror movie. Phil liked it a lot more than I did, mind you.

Oh, and there’s this absolutely dreadful thing called “I Hate Toronto: A Love Story” opening for a limited run at the Underground tonight. You do not want to bother with it. Trust me on this.

There, that’s everything. And now, god help me, I’m off to see “The Phantom Menace”.

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