My review of “Meet the Spartans” appears in today’s Metro. I know, I know, you’re thrilled for me. I’m just happy I was able to come up with 300 words on it; I was afraid I’d used up all my best failed-satire invective on “Date Movie” and “Epic Movie”.

Nope! Rage is fuel!

Oh, and you know how “Date Movie” and “Epic Movie” kinda sucked, but at least Alyson Hannigan and Jayma Mays were kind of funny in them? Well, let’s just say Carmen Electra, while certainly up for anything, could not hold their jockstraps.

(And yes, I know that wasn’t funny, but trust me, it accurately reflects the nature and tenor of the jokes in the film. Which, I remind you, came in first at the box office over the weekend. The Earth is doomed.)