Why won’t “Orphan” die?

Jaume Collett-Serra’s terrible, terrible thriller — the one where Vera Farmiga and Peter Sarsgaard adopt a child and suffer terribly for their compassionate gesture — has clawed its way from the bottom of last year’s worst-movie lists into a sort of guilty pleasure. And not just a guilty one; when I did that radio spot with my brother last month, one of the callers named it one of the three best movies of 2009.

No. No no no no no, for the love of god no. “Orphan” is a lot of things — demented, unbalanced, preposterous, self-serious, ludicrous, embarrassing — but “best”? No. Unless that “Best” is immediately followed by “Squandering of Talent”.

Today, Zack Handlen spins up the DVD for the latest installment of the AV Club’s I Watched This On Purpose — and what he finds may chill your soul. Or, if you choose to watch any of the clips embedded in the piece, you may laugh until you pull a stomach muscle.